Steady Feet

It feels embarrassing to say that when I pray to the Universe, I ask for sureness. I ask for a sureness that I cannot shake, that others cannot break, that the wind cannot take. I pray for my voice to not croak, but to sing through with such a clearness it shakes the phlegm off my lungs. 

I’ve only recently come to terms with the fact that I am indeed a human being, rather than an alien who fell off the back of a getaway ship or a misplaced soul in a misplaced body. No, for whatever reason, the Universe has decided to place me here in la Estados Fundillo (Good ole America). After twenty-two years of floating around, I figured it’s time to plant my feet and live 

like a real girl. But it’s hard playing catch-up when no one else knows it and won’t slow down because you’ve never asked. Even when if I wanted to, I’ve been passed down a pride so heavy, my mind toils with the burden of it instead. 

So, I pray for sureness. A sureness that stops me from saying “sorry” all the damn time, one that screams “this is me!” A sureness that has me standing in my truth, even when that truth lives on an island. A sureness that doesn’t make me tiptoe in love like it’s a minefield. It’s no surprise to me that almost every romantic relationship I’ve ever had has blown up in my face either because 

I was too scared to say how I truly felt or too lonely to walk away from someone who so clearly was not right for me. 

But it’s not my fault. At least, not entirely I don’t think. It’s easy to second guess yourself after being gutted and questioned your whole childhood. It’s hard to think that what you have to say, think, feel matters when it is met with weird looks, hushes, anger or silence. The silence is the worst of it all. The silence is contagious, and before I knew it, I was silent for eighteen years.

When I left home for college, it was the first time in a long time that I spoke to share, not simply to respond. What that means is that I’m not used to it. That this muscle groans and aches every time I use it. It’s gotten stronger over the years but there are times when it gives out on me, dies mid-speech, and I’m left there standing, gasping to speak. 

So when I can, I speak to the Universe. I ask it to believe in me. To fill me with a sureness, no one, not even I, can question or make meek. Maybe, one day, I can feel more steady in my feet. 

- Meliz